April 19, 2004

Lucky Ducky

A few weeks ago on Survivor they convinced the contestants that a luxurious trip to a spa means getting Oil of Olay rubbed on your back and all the Revlon make-up and Crest toothpaste you want. I laughed hard at that one! Those Survivor chumps had been fooled so bad, overflowing with gratitude and delight for average drugstore products. Thinking about it now I realize that the awful truth is I can relate. Nothing soothes me like a stroll through Eckard’s bountiful aisles and at the end of a rough week a brand new tube of Revlon lipstick truly does feel like salvation. Luckily I left dreams of nose-job behind in ninth grade, because this is nothing compared what’s happening in the rest of reality tv-land.

We all know that reality television isn’t about real life on television. Reality television is the overgrown version of our laziest super market fantasies. Dreams of a Magazine rack complexion and immaculate toilet bowl have multiplied like gremlins and now they are invading real life. People are indulging their urges to revert to child-hood and are letting the fantasy world take over. Now forty year-olds think the key to happiness is looking like Christina Agulera.

Yes, tonight I witnessed the monstrosity that is The Swan

In my wildest dreams never would I have suspected that television could reach a point so unethical, distasteful, disgusting, surreal, and utterly fascinating as this. I think a cult of television producer misogynists must be behind this one, it seems to surpass the usual corporate evil. It’s a highly powerful underground cult that worships at a Barbie doll encrusted altar (Scientologists perhaps?). They know how to get you too, the kicker for me was that the host was Amanda Byram of Paradise Hotel, how could I resist?

This secret cult's version of human sacrifice requires a complex ritual where a woman is chosen to be cast in the mold of The Doll. She appears before a group of wise ones, so called “experts and surgeons” to be judged. She assured multiple times that her witch nose will be fixed. She is then put under the knife. After the surgery she is not allowed to see a mirror while her swelled up, bandaged clown face recovers. During this time a “therapist” and a “coach” commence with the brainwashing. This portion of the ritual is shielded from the audience, so we can only imagine what the brainwashing might consist of. During this time the subject is deprived of food and occupied with endless physical activity. When the “healing” period is up she is put before the original panel of wise men and must face The Mirror. If she passes the tests she is entered into The Pageant where her new face under-go another bout of judging. When it’s all over the whole fleet of housewives with frozen smiles and surprised eyes will be sent back to Peoria and Omaha so that L.A. can infiltrate and destroy the rest of the country.

Posted by on April 19, 2004 11:46 PM

steve-o is big against the swan. here is his antiswan website. the amount of hate he has for the show, by the way, has led him to boycott such favorite companies as wendy's and subway. www.geocities.com/antiswan2004/downwiththeswan

Posted by: beth on April 20, 2004 10:54 AM

mm... I always find myself defending The Swan, not that it's completely defensible, but... Read what I have to say:


Posted by: Frank on April 20, 2004 3:13 PM

i don't get the swan. i think it is boring and who cares about a beauty pageant; they already got their surgery so what more is there to compete for? sometimes i watch the last five minutes to see them look in the mirror, but it is always disappointing and they never look that great anyway. the lady last night (not the witch nose one) still had total butt cleavage. couldn't they have lifted those while they were at it? i don't know. i think maybe if we stop talking about the swan it will go away. in the end it is simply not very interesting, other than the outrage factor.

Posted by: bmad on April 20, 2004 5:39 PM

ps i am totally bored by ALL STAR SURVIVOR these days too, which must be a sign that RTV is in its death throes. APPRENTICE=BORING, THE RESTAURANT=BORINGER, SURVIVOR=RETARDED, etc etc etc etc etc.

emily and i have an idea for a reality tv program called WHO WANTS TO MARRY AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, in which would-be immigrant ladies compete in events like burrowing tunnels, outrunning police dogs, and crossing large bodies of water in a dishpan. we think it will be a hit.

Posted by: bmad on April 20, 2004 5:45 PM

We have refined the WHO WANTS TO MARRY AN AMERICAN CITIZEN (note to internet: please don't steal our idea! We are very rich and powerful and we'll sue!) idea further and now it's totally genius. NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU FOR THE SHOCKING REVEAL!!!

Posted by: emily on April 23, 2004 1:41 PM

frank: it sounds like you rather dislike The Swan, from reading your review.

Posted by: steve-o on April 30, 2004 12:38 PM
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