Broke

So, I now have internet in the home. My first order of business was to try to sell things for more than their worth on craig’s list. I’m still pretty broke until Wednesday so I’m all about the money-making schemes and free samples.

I have to admit I’m sort of enjoying being temporarily poor. When I get over the shame and anxiousness that paralyzes me every so often I feel pretty free. At first I had some trouble accepting people’s generosity as it always makes me feel weak, but I got over that pretty quickly. The best part is not having money means scrounging around like a little street urchin. This used to be one of my favorite pretend games as a kid. When I was in high school we would sometimes spare change when we were short on $ for beer. Sometimes we'd just tell people we needed a dollar for the train and they'd actually give it to us.

Now that I’m a yuppie I’m a little more subtle about my scrounging. The day realized that paying my credit card would be like writing a second rent check I met up with my other poor friends in Union Square. I went to that little pizza place on the corner and got a slice of cheese. The employees there always give you your slice and then stand around talking while you wait for twenty minutes by the cash register at the other end of the counter.

I stood there for about ten seconds wondering if anyone would come to collect my two dollars. I was completely ignored, so I sat down and ate my pizza. After sitting and chatting for long enough I asked my friends if they thought I could walk out without paying. They said to give it a try. We sauntered past, pretending to be deep in conversation. I heard one of the guys say something, but I pretended not to hear.
Free pizza!
The next day the wheels were stolen off my bike.

After pizza we decided to go to the enormous new Whole Foods for samples. There wasn’t anything sitting out besides some big chunks of tomato-cheddar cheese, which we ate in large quantities. After grazing for a while at the salad bars we went over to the deli section where they’ll give you a sample in a little white cup of anything you ask for. I swear the whole store was full of people just sampling things. We even got the dessert guy to give us samples of bread pudding which tasted like French toast with caramel. After eating small quantities of about ten different things I admit I had a mild stomach ache, but it was worth it.

This Saturday I spent the day trying to sell things to Beacon’s Closet and bringing my coins to the counting machine at the grocery store. Both endeavors are good for short term money, but they are long term rip-offs. Beacon’s Closet gave me $8.37 for a brand new dress with the tags still on and a very pretty vintage lace shirt. They didn’t look twice at any of the clothes I actually wanted to get rid of.
The coin machine took 19¢ for every dollar.
Still there was something oddly satisfying about making money in these random ways. I bought a can of tuna and a box of spaghetti (not to be consumed together)for $1.74.

So, now that I’ve learned something about gratitude and generosity and scrounging I’m looking forward to Wednesday when I get paid. I’m going to stock up on fancy cheeses and go see Batman.

The Lady Returns

Hello. It’s me! I’m back. I know probably no one is out there because it’s been so long since I’ve written, but I’m going to take this up again. I think things got a little dodgy there for a while and I didn’t know what to write about.
Here is the update, things have been going very well:
1. First of all, I encourage all of you to make internet personals ads. Go on, just do it. Do it even if you already have a significant other, you may just find someone better! It will take a year of getting messages from the freakiest of freaks, but one day you will meet someone who is taller than you, says sweet things, and reads your mind just like you always wanted. I promise.
2. I moved to an awesome apartment in park slope that has a washer/dryer and a dishwasher and my rent is a devilishly low $666! The bad news is that the wheels got stolen off my bike my first week. I was foolish and I knew it would happen. There was a move between Astoria and this, but I can’t go into it right now. Talking about my former landlord and the loss of my security deposit gets me very worked up. I will devote an entire entry to it when the impending lawsuit begins.
3. I’m less of a drunk.
4. At the risk of pleasing my mom I’ve embarked on the path of yoga. If you have any questions about the universe and meaning of life feel free to drop me a line!
5. My dad moved out to the middle of nowhere in Baja to live like the wacky desert recluse he was always meant to be, but still finds ways to annoy me on a weekly basis.
So, things are coming together quite nicely. I have been completely broke this month due to some slight credit card abuse, but it’s been a Learning Experience. Ok, I’m going to write something really punchy and sarcastic to entertain you very soon, so watch this space.

xo The Lady