Baby Boom

What is the deal with nannies lately? They’ve been such a hot topic, from Jude Law fucking his, to Robert DeNiro’s thieving nanny, not to mention the nanny and baby who were crushed under that collapsed building uptown.

My roommates get the weekend edition of the New York Times and every time I pick it up there’s some obnoxious editorial by one of those uptown mommies about who they try to love their nanny, want ever so badly to love their nanny, but try as they might they are filled with loathing at the very thought of her. I just keep picturing these mommies as the evil queen in Snow White, so jealous and despising of their younger counterpart.

Why do ladies who have nannies always hate them so much?

One of these articles was about nannies who steal. The mommy goes on (as they all do) about how she tried to be close to the nanny, accepted her and welcomed her into her home, but then the nanny went and ruined everything by carefully stealing little things here and there over the course of months. I have no doubt this nanny was attempting revenge and she had good reason.

It’s important for nannies to know that the mommy is out to get you. Don’t trust her for a second and if your going to steal her earrings or sleep with her husband you better have your wits about you.
Remember that Nanny who was accused of shaking the baby to death? That happened one town over from where I grew up. A girl at my high school said her mom worked with the mom suing the nanny and everyone who knew her thought she was such a bitch they wouldn’t be surprised if she shook her own baby and blamed it on the nanny.

Another article I read recently was about a mommy who started reading her nannies’ blog. She was so bothered by all the drinking and sex that the nanny had when she was not working that she wanted to fire her. The mommy even admitted that this was mostly out of jealousy since her own life was that of a boring, middle aged person who was too consumed by her own bullshit to even bother watching her own kids.

Finally the mommy decided it was the last straw and there was valid enough reason to fire when the nanny wrote an entry complaining about her job. It was something completely innocuous like, “Work was hell today.” The mommy was so offended by the way the nanny referred to watching their children as “work”.

Can you believe that?! What universe do these people live in? Sure, nannies might like the kids they sit for, but for Christ sakes don’t delude yourself, it’s a job! They need to pay the bills! Not to mention the fact that watching kids is more work than most jobs. It seems that many people take procreation as an excuse to let their narcissism run rampant. Who wouldn’t love my perfect little children.

Some of these moms with nannies are bad, but I have to say the stay at home mommies are worse. These ladies sit around writing their own blogs about organizing birthday parties and playgroups. {note that this one is pleasingly disturbed by the new phenomenon of increasingly racy teen lit--doesn't she realize, disapproving mommies is exactly what we're going for?} These mommies lead the most meaningless and unproductive lives possible, but they obviously consider themselves to be honorable and idealistic visions of motherhood. The children of such ladies will no doubt grow up to be the types overwhelmed by the very prospect of wiping their own asses.

Maybe living in Park Slope, surrounded by an endless parade of strollers has got me riled up.