April 20, 2004

Stanger on a Train

Check out what Beth found in the Missed Connections section of Craig's List:

Girl With Glasses Who Rides The N from Ditmars To The 1 to Houston

I've been seeing you every morning for the past 8 months. You have black collar-legnth hair, a cute nose and wear squarish black rimmed specs. Sometimes you carry a bag with a picture of a robot on it. Although, you're cute in the extreme, I have a girlfreind and I'm not looking for romance. You just seem like someone it'd be interesting to know. I'm usually in jeans, a t-shirt and an open plaid flannel.

I have always dreamed of finding myself in the missed connections listings! I know exactly who the creepy man is that wrote this and yes, I'm slightly disturbed by the stalkerly quality of the posting, but also flattered.

Once again it brings me back to the topic of plastic surgery. I have long believed that a person's features are a portion of what defines them and to mess with them is just straight up wrong. To now know that a stranger has been admiring my "cute nose" every day on the subway confirms this belief 100%. What if I had gotten the bump on my nose shaved down in ninth grade? I would look like everyother nose-jobbed twit on television and I never would have found myself on the Missed Connections board.

It was so obvious that the only thing those Swan contestants needed was a little eye make-up and some self confindence. Maybe if someone got them robot bags they would realize that being attractive has nothing to do with looking like Amanda Byram.

The thing that makes me a thousand times sadder than The Swan is the current state of Meg Ryan's mouth. Her smile was the greatest. Her smile had me convinced that she was the happiest most genuine celebrity alive. Now she looks like The Joker. Meg why, oh why did you do it? We would have accepted you with mouth wrikles, I swear!

Posted by at 9:55 PM | Comments (5)

February 8, 2004

It's fucked, but whatever.

Lea reacently posted this comment:
"a girl i work with knows Ryan from The OC. He changed his name now that he is a star. His last name now is really his middle name and i forget his real last name. Maybe we will write him a letter. Oh and someone else i work with has another job. at that job one of her coworkes went to high school with Pink. why didn't i go to high school with anyone who is now on a Fox show or MTV? it would make having a yearbook worth something."
This is amazing news! It means that all of us who know Lea now have a mere 4 degrees of separation from Adam Brody a.k.a. Seth!!! I no longer have to read Gawkerstalker and fantasize about seeing him eating brunch in Manhattan. We must start penning letters immediately. I propose the formation of a fan club, who's with me?

Last night on my endless subway ride back to Queens I had the joy of listening to three drunk party girls have an endless slurred fight, they were with me all the way to the final stop on the N/W. I transcribe some of their conversation, because it was truly too good to believe. I can't decide if these girls count as fantasy ladies or sparkle fatties, they were intensely annoying and equally fascinating. They had long hair and tons of eye make up. They didn't look cheesy and weren't wearing sparkle tube tops. There was one silent girl who was probably trying not to puke the whole ride. I imagine she could have been Ukranian. There was one named Melanie with her hair bleached an orange-blond, it was so ugly it was hip. The other had long brown hair and a cigarette scratchy voice. She was sort of tough looking and wouldn't take any shit. Melanie and cigarette girl spoke using drawn out sssss' and a perpetually sarchasitc lilt to their voices.

"Stop it, stop it, just stop talking.
Cigarette Girl:
You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot.
Stop it, just stop talking
I've been so embarassed, you're talking so loudly.
If you're embarassed lets just stop talking.
You're talking so loudly, why do you insist on doing this.
You're just mad because some fffffat fuck called you a New Jersey trout, when you've never even been to New Jersey.
Shut up, shut up, shut up...
You know, actually, you know, whatever. I don't know what I did to you, I don't know what it was, but whatever it was I was kidding ok. I was totally joking, so just forget it.
*** After about 40 minutes of arguing, with a short pause during which the girls were silent then joking together for a moment. Cigarette girl then becomes serious and admits what's really upsetting her ***

Daniel called me a piece of nothing, so I'm not going to ask him for anything. So I'm not going to ask him about the waitressing position. He says I'm fucked up. It isn't a big deal. I didn't make a big deal. It's true. He says I'm fucked up. It doesn't matter much.
That's bullshit.
I didn't go to school, fine. It's not a big deal, but it's true.
That's bullshit, it obviously is a big deal.
It's funny. It's cute. It's cute. I've known Dan since middleschool. No one else knows that. It's fucked. It's fucked, but whatever.

Posted by at 6:15 PM

January 28, 2004

So Not A Champion

Last night I saw this new Pepsi ad with Britney Spears, Pink, and Beyonce (Beyonce! we thought you were better than this). It involved the three of them as Roman gladiators singing We Are The Champions by Queen. I’m beginning to hate Britney again. There really is such thing as over-saturating the market.

I’ve decided that she is tragic, but in a safe way. She’s a reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe, but in this day in age fame has gotten to be this big machine that is more extreme and far reaching, but also highly controlled. Marilyn has been reincarnated 1000x over by now, so I guess Britney is just a jaded, played out version of her.

Sure she’s probably a coke head and a total wreck, but there’s no danger that she'll committing suicide alone in a hotel room. She’s protected by her status as a cliché—only B-list celebrities like Jonathan Brandis have unexpected deaths anymore.

I’ve been thinking about her book, A Mother's Gift, the fictional one by her and her mom. Random House paid $1 million for it and inside info is that they got burned. Supposedly because Britney didn’t bother marketing it at all. The thing just tanked. Really though, I don’t think it was Britney’s fault, I mean she wasn't the one who wrote it, and besides Fiction!?! Worst of all they totally played up the good girl angle, which is so not the point of her. Britney is a publicity whore; she’d shill hemorrhoid cream if you paid her enough. The whole point of Britney Spears is that she is exploited and surrounded by scandal and is totally corrupted. This is the reason she is rich and famous, not for looking cute and singing like a robotic Care Bear.

Even the little girls realize this to an extent. I know it probably sounds trite, but I think the best comparison is Barbie. As a kid I loved Barbie, but I never bought into the frilly wholesomeness that Mattel tries to pass off to parents. The whole point was that underneath all that pink and cuteness Barbie was stacked. Why else would every Barbie game deteriorate into her and Ken making it in the back of the 57 Chevy? This is why they make a Doctor Barbie and not a Nursing Home Attendent Barbie.

I’m not saying Britney’s book should have been about sex, that would have been really sick, I’m saying the book never should have been written and Random House never should have paid $1 million for it. Britney was never meant to promote literacy or hemorrhoid creams, and just because she’s willing doesn’t mean she should.

Posted by at 4:32 PM

December 17, 2003

Teen Queen Tantrum

I would like to announce the fact that someone found my site by searching google for Brookline high porn. I think that's pretty awesome and i hope they found some starring our favorite alum Conan O'Brian.

Here's the latest from page 6 on the Disney brats. Sounds like Hillary Duff might me a Shannen Doherty in the making and Aaron Carter is learning how to be a little weasle just like his brother.

TEEN tantrum erupted between young Hollywood rivals Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan at the "Cheaper by the Dozen" premiere in Los Angeles Sunday night.
Lohan and Duff have hated each other since earlier this year, when Lohan found out her boyfriend, Aaron Carter, was cheating on her with Duff.
Duff then added salt to the wound by showing up at the premiere of Lohan's "Freaky Friday" with Carter on her arm.

Last weekend, Lohan arrived with a few friends to the "Cheaper" premiere - where her mere presence was enough to send Duff into a tizzy. And according to eyewitnesses, Duff was infuriated when she saw Lohan at the after-party for the movie at Lucky Strike Lanes in Hollywood.

"Hilary got her mother and started freaking out," our source said.
Duff's mom, Susan, known around Tinseltown as a ham-handed stage mother, got Duff's huge bodyguard, Troy - Duff's former acting coach at Disney - to try muscling Lohan out of the party.
"It was pretty amazing," another spy said. "Here is this huge man trying to manhandle a 100-pound girl."

Lohan at first wanted to leave, but her agent was livid and told her to stay. After Troy and Susan Duff became more rude and physical, Lohan finally shot back, "I am not leaving. I was invited. Why should I leave?"
Susan and Hilary then took their case to Fox executives. "They walked up to the people at Fox and started screaming, 'We are not happy! We want Lindsay to leave! Get her out!' " our first spywitness said.
But Fox executives, not ones to be pushed around by a 17-year-old, shot back: "Lindsay was invited. If you are not happy, you can leave," before turning to Lohan and saying, "Lindsay, please stay."

The Duffs were so angry they left immediately, while Lohan stayed and partied with Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher and Steve Martin.

Posted by at 10:17 AM