January 6, 2004

The Special People's Club

The most recent comment to December 4th entry ďOn Mtvís Rich Girls" is very intriguing. It comes from someone named Andrew who has felt the need to adamantly defend the girls, particularly on the subject of their ugly mugs. He also corrected my spelling of Allyís name. Iíve been prompted to wonder if this mysterious commentor could be a friend of the girls. Perhaps it is the very prom date who puked from too much coffee? Or maybe it is the girls themselves writing under a pen name? At any rate my hatred of the girls stands. The entire point of the program is to allow the viewer to feel superior to them and all rich girls alike. Not since Tori Spelling has such an opportunity arose. Hideous gluttonous beasts all of you!

Andrew's Comment:
I feel that you say these things because you have nothing better to do with your time other then bag on people I mean who are you to judge others that just shows how shallow you are and how much you wish you had money like that to spend. You can't just look at them and say these things because you don't even know them and from what it shows on the t.v. they are both kind hearted you ladies, I also feel that they are both very good looking. so why don't you try to find something better to do with your time other then trying to put others down

P.S. her name is spelled Ally

I think Jorge's point is a good one. I myself have committed depraved acts in my life and yes, I have have a sense of guilt and remorse over such acts, but itís a battle. It think for the sake of self preservation Iíve countered that guilt with wickedness, because wickedness is more fun. I donít know. All I know is that in an effort to be brutally honest I donít always write things I mean and sometimes I do err on the side of brutality. Mostly I comfort myself by knowing deep down that Iím going to heaven and that, yeah my mom is a good lady.

Posted by on January 6, 2004 10:55 PM

lady, you should post his comment up here so it makes sense. i wouldn't be surprised if the mysterious "andrew" was a friend of the rich girls-- he seems to be quite dumb, bordering on retarded. like jayme!

whoever it is, his/her opinion is not worth arguing with. i will spell alli's name however i please.

the fact is, the rich girls are nothing but Sparklefatties of the lowest order. on the other hand, paris and nicole are textbook Fantasie Ladies. in this case the distinction is obvious, but it got me thinking in general about SF's and FL's. what is the real difference? can there be overlap?

i had a debate with my mom tonight about who is a sparklefatty and who is not. what makes it especially hard to tell is the fact that sparklefatties and fantasie ladies are polar opposites to the degree that the differences are often not on the surface. flip sides of the same coin.

no, a fantasie ladie cannot be a sparklefatty. sparklefatties are the most odious creatures on the planet (just short of gay republicans) and fantasie ladies are here to save us all. but a fantasie ladie might, for her own enigmatic reasons, enjoy the feel of a sparkletubetop against her nude bosom. so how do you know?

let us take the bush twins. i used to think that they were THE classic sparklefatties. now i'm not so sure. i think they are too crazy! they do things like throw divalike temper tantrums at their secret service agents, then try to escape down dark alleys. that's kind of fantasie-like, isn't it?! also there was the time that barbara evaded her security detail at a tollbooth in order to attend a WWF event. (kind of borderline... a sparklefatty would definitely do this for her boyfriend, but under no other circumstance. still, i am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say it was of her own volition.)

anyway, the sparlefatty litmus test is "would the bush girls attend a 5k walk for leukemia after a heavy night of binge drinking?" answer: OF COURSE NOT! they've probably never even heard of leukemia!

but jaime and aley? they are so there-- stretch pants, fannypacks, nalgenes and all. doing their little stretches. because they care about kids and they care about fitness.

my mom then brought up monica lewinsky... who she claims is the poster girl for sparklefatties everywhere. i had to think about it, but i ultimately think that monica is too mercurial, too mysterious, too larger than life to be a real true SF. it's possible that she's transformed herself-- butterflylike-- from SF to FL. i'm not sure.

the main thing i think about monica is that a true sparklefatty could not have captivated the nation the way she did. sparklefatties are by nature too boring. i don't really think a sparklefatty would ever stick a cigar up her vagina, and if she did, i don't think anyone would care, since nothing an SF does is interesting, ever. because monica became so famous, i'm pretty sure that she is cannot be a sparklefatty. is she a fantasie ladie? it's certainly possible. more research is necessary.

of course, jamie and ali are MARGINALLY famous, but they are mostly famous for being so boring and typical. one watches Rich Girls and it is semi-enjoyable, in a delicious-torment way, because it reminds one of all the sparklefatties one knew in college/high school, and how much one hated them. they are certainly not breaking any new ground-- they're just dime a dozen SFs, similar to the more recent Real World roommates. (LEAH, anyone? Sparkle alert!!)

after mulling all this over, and after accidentally driving through the adams morgan neighborhood of dc at 1:30 am on a friday night, i think i've come to understand the defining philosophy that separates sparklefatties from fantasie ladies. in a way it is a pure battle of good versus evil.

the sparkle fatty believes in no principle above slavish devotion to the status quo. it is her bland zombie mission. like a bee returning to the hive, the sparkle fatty knows that it is her duty to enforce the laws of dullness, even if she knows not why.

the fantasie ladie, instead of trying to break down these laws, does not care one way or the other. she is just real crazy, and in her craziness, is the only one who can vanquish the scourge of sparklefatties. she is always saying awesome stuff that makes no sense but is cool anyway. like, "SANDWICHES, I MUST HAVE MORE SANDWICHES OR I'LL SIMPLY STARVE!"

to all the sparklefatties who are reading this, especially jammie and allee, i say WE WILL OVERCOME.

here is a cheat sheet in case you forget:

the final verdicts:






keep fighting the good fight.

Posted by: bmad on January 7, 2004 8:56 PM

I am glad that I can now differentiate Sparkelfatties from Fantasie Ladies. Thank you Bmad. But to say the battle between Sparklefatty and Fantasie Lady can be reduced to a battle of good verses evil is stupid. Though it may not be evil for a Fantasie lady to pour bleach on a pool table, it certainly is disrespectful and, well, plain fucked up. Craziness is good to a point. However, when craziness trumps any sort of compassion or sense of respect for other people, it turns from something funny into something pretty disgusting and depraved. Both Paris and Nicole have proved themselves despicable girls. It honestly makes me sick to watch them. In that sense, I'd glady take the boring sparklefatty-good-doer over ANYONE who is self-absorbed and oblivious to notion of human decency, fantasie lady or not. not ever for the sake of humor. Does this make me a Sparklefatty? Yes...I believe according to your definition, it does. Good thing I am a boy homo, instead. A boy homo who went from the crazy of peeing on beds to a lesser-crazy of falling down in the middle of new york avenues.

Posted by: Jorge on January 8, 2004 12:26 PM

not EVEN for the sake of humor. EVEN not ever. F!

Posted by: jorge on January 8, 2004 12:37 PM

i would rather be a sparkle fatty than a fantasie ladyie any day. FLs make me ill. lucky for me, i think i am neither sparkly nor fantastic!

Posted by: beth on January 9, 2004 1:12 PM

don't worry, it is possible to be neither. that is okay too... i think there are two more categories, but i have to give that more thought. also keep in mind that there are many sparklefatty subcultures. (sparklefaggy, sparklehippie, etc.)

but jorge, i think you are missing the point. sparklefatties are not "nice." just because they go to the leukemia 5k walk means nothing. they are doing it for their own gratification only. sparklefatties and fantasye ladyes are equally capable of good and evil. the difference is that fantasye ladyes are at least interesting, and therefore good for the world on a more consequential scale.

no, nicole ritchie should not have thrown bleach on the pool table. it was mean. but a sparklefatty is equally likely to be mean. it's just that their meanness is so much more run of the mill! also, a sparklefatty is far more likely to be mean to you or me than a fantasye ladye is. because they have fucked up values! (fantasye ladyes, by the way, have no values whatsoever. except maybe eyeliner.) if you ever come to dc, try walking down 18th street by yourself on a saturday night and you will see what i mean. the sparklefatties will try to trip you for no reason!! i guarantee!

Posted by: bmad on January 9, 2004 8:15 PM

hmmm...i find fantasie ladies funny. like patsy and edina. but let me tell you something. when i get high and watch absolutely fabulous, the emptiness/sadness of their lives is too overwhelming to bare.

Posted by: jorge on January 11, 2004 5:22 PM

to bear even!

Posted by: jorge on January 11, 2004 8:08 PM
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