December 3, 2003

Yellow is the color of my true love's hair...

I was dazzled by the movie Gentlemen Prefer Blonds. I knew it would be silly and campy in a great way, but I assumed it would be annoying too. All about Marilyn Monroe looking cute and giggling a lot while she strings along dozens of dashing young men, giving us all the urge to run out and buy a bottle of bleach. The surprise is that this movie secretly stars a sassy, wisecracking, party-girl brunette-- Jane Russell. Marilyn is simply the comic relief. At first glance itís easy to peg this movie as the same old sexist Hollywood crap--the dumb blond gold digger and the bitchy brunette who needs a man to soften her up. It turns out thatís not what itís about at all. The real theme of the movie is the unflinching loyalty of girlfriends.

In fact Marilynís love interest isnít dashing at all; she goes for the easily manipulated, wealthy nerd. It isnít even fair to call him a love interest, as she has absolutely no interest in love. You really have to admire her blatant and unapologetic materialism; thereís nothing underhanded about it, as she never deludes herself or anyone else into thinking sheís in love. Her philosophy that diamonds are a girlís best friend comes in response to being made a sex object. She knows her appeal won't last forever, so she's learned to put her trust into shiny, hard things-- like Jane Russell.

Meanwhile Jane Russell is the one with a weakness for sexy jerks. Highlights include her singing with a chorus line of male Olympic gymnasts all wearing flesh colored hot pants. The important thing is that she isnít blinded by love either; nothing threatens her allegiance to Marilyn. All of this is reaffirmed in the end when the girls have a double wedding (I didnít give anything away, every old comedy ends with a wedding). There is a brief shot of the grooms, but the camera trains itself on Jane and Marilyn coming down the aisle, each flashing a big ass diamond ring, and you get the sense that this same sex marriage idea is nothing new.

On the subject of blonds, The Simple Life premiered last night. The show is super over-the-top in a fabulous way, but I think it could use a sassy brunette to put snobby Paris and Nichole in their places. When Paris claims she has never heard of Wal-Mart I just wanted to jump in there and tell her to stop being such a stuck-up liar, everyone has heard of Wal-Mart regardless of whether theyíve been inside one, itís basically the same as K-mart where Martha Stuart and J-Lo and all those other asshole famous people sell their clothing brands made by little kids in Honduras. I donít doubt that within a month Paris will have her very own line of Wal-Mart mini-skirts. Now howís that for a reality show idea, Sweatshop Life tm. Paris and Nichole are forced to sew DKNY skirts for 10 cents an hour and the laughs donít stop when Nicholeís hand gets stuck in the machinery!

Like all reality shows there is something unsettling about The Simple Life. This straightforward midwestern family seems to be completely baffled by any hint of snobbery and as a result they have no defense against these rich bitches. It was awful watching these girls turn their noses down at their dinner (albeit gross looking) after the grandma plucked all those chickens, but nothing was crueler then that final freeze frame on the sexy 15-year-old son after Paris and Nichole share a titter over the thought of having a three-some with him. The audience knew from his first appearance that he was a sitting duck and the emphasis of the freeze frame serves only to reinforce his public humiliation. I guess thatís what I love about this show, like Paradise Hotel no one is immune to it's cruelty.

In other news Jonathan Brandis of the film Lady Bugs is dead. He hung himself on November 11th and the cops pronounced it a suicide yesterday. Which brings up the topic of blonds and suicide, like moths to light what is it that compels them? Bennett care to comment?

Posted by on December 3, 2003 4:57 PM

i'm only going to coment on the simple life, although i missed it tonight because temping is wearing me out and i fell asleep at 7pm.

anyway, i thought last night's program was grreat. unlike lady c, i really LIKE the fact that paris hilton pretends to be dumb even though she obviously knows what a well is for et cetera.

those little bitches jamie and ali from RICH GIRLS would never be so game. in contrast to paris, they are always pretending to be way smarter and more serious than they really are, and looking even stupider in the process. they are always going on and on about how much they care about poor people and africa, even though they obviously don't know the first thing about either, and couldn't give a crap if they did. ("let's send the africans our old mattresses so they won't have to sleep in the dirt anymore where lions and monkeys can get them!" great idea guys.)

i really admire paris hilton for the fact that SHE JUST WANTS HER SHOW TO BE FUNNY AND COMPELLING. she is willing to make a fool out of herself to do it, not to mention, it seems from the previews, a total slut. for someone set to inherit a 200 million fortune or whatever, you have to sort of admire her work ethic.

also she is super hot and i love how her face is sort of weird looking. paris is everything a blonde should be.

ps about jonathan brandis: i'm not sure he really counts as a blonde. also i heard the reason he killed himself was because he was taking accutane for his zits and it makes you totally psycho. sad.

Posted by: bmad on December 4, 2003 12:00 AM

P.P.S. speaking of rich blondes with reality programs, is anyone else concerned for jessica simpson? i think she may have mono or worse. unlike paris hilton, whose energy is boundless, and even ali and jamie, who are always up to some lame ugly-girl pursuit, jessica barely ever seems to have the wherewithal to even get off the couch. she's always just lying there, wrapped in a blanket, gurgling unenthusiastically while nick lachey like sprays down the driveway or something. see a doctor, jessica! eat some sugar! your program would be even funnier if you didn't always seem on the verge of slipping into a coma.

Posted by: bmad on December 4, 2003 12:06 AM

plus the movie doesnt even say that gentlemen prefer blondes. jane russell is getting hit on ten times more. she exudes confidence. thats what is important. funniest part = scene where jane russell and marilyn and the spy guy that loves jane are eating dinner. marylin says she is so happy to see jane out with a man with money. he turns to jane and says, "so you have bad taste" and jane says "yeah im a hobo collector. not just funny but briliant.
Nichole seems sort of depressed to me. i havent seen the simple life, but i did see an e true hollywood story and nichole was going on and on about how much she hangs out with the hiltons and what good friends they are etc. etc. this seemed sad to me. dumb people that put themselves in situations to be made fun of seem sad to me.
Lady colossal and bmad: what do you think about anna nicole? but the saddest reality blonde show would be a tie between courtney love and britany. no actually courtney love would still make herself seem strong. she can lie like the best of em.

Posted by: Buckle FB 123 on December 4, 2003 2:24 AM

I think Anna Nicole is very fabulous now that she is SKINNY. Did you know that she took a tip from Faith Hill and went on the "nothing but cocaine and diet soda" miracle diet?

Posted by: Frank on December 4, 2003 2:43 PM
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