May 7, 2004

Bradiffer No More

Late Breaking News:
Iím told this came from a ďreliable sourceĒ. Apparently Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are on the verge of a DIVORCE!

-Itís been said that Brad is currently sleeping with Angelina JoliE (good for her, I thought she only did freaky old men).

-Donít be fooled by those charming dimples, Brad has been quoted as saying that he thinks Jen would give him a day pass for Britney Spears.

-How the Media Tore Them Apart. Remember the Bennifer excuse? I can see it now: All that speculation about Jenís infertility was simply too much strain on their marriage. They considered adopting, but Brad insisted that if the babyís face didnít reflect his own there wasnít much point in having one. He invested in one of those super magnified shaving mirrors, packed up his things and left.

-It was a career marriage and now that friends is over Brad has started courting Misha Barton from the O.C.

-They discovered that they are actually twins separated at birth; they didnít discover their own incestuous secret until it was too late: the baby was born with three arms and a harelip!

-The twin theory is somewhat discounted by news that Jennifer has had a nose job. Perhaps Brad found out what her former nose looked like and now refuses to mate with her.

Perhaps Iím being a bit too harsh on Jen, but recently Iíve been thinking about Brad Pitt. Although I was critical when he fist came on the scene, calling him things like Brad Armpit (I was ten, ok?) Iíve come to realize that he truly does qualify as a Super Hunk, in fact when you consider his contemporaries itís clear that Brad is The Super Hunk, he has outlasted them all.

Letís break it down, shall we?

Tom Cruise: old/a cult member

Christian Slater: on drugs?

Remember Interview with a Vampire, how it was supposed to be all about these hot guys and thirteen year-old Kirsten Dunst. I was fourteen at the time and I didnít see the film, but I tell you, that Nobody--Kirsten Dunst--was already living out every one of our junior high fantasies. It turned out that unlike Brad, Tom and Christian were already over the hill at that point.

Leonardo Dicaprio: fat/haggard

Chris OíDonnell: Was he ever actually popular? I think he probably had a cousin who worked for YM or something.

Ethan Hawk: Proved to be too much of a dick after getting Uma Preggers and not even offering to marry her. The nerve!

Luke Perry: That attempt at a film career was a sad thing to witness. As soon as his hair went flat so did everything else.

Jason Priestley: Tru Calling? Please, at this point heís nothing but an aged gay.

Johnny Depp: Still insanely hot, but he has proved to be more of an artistť than a hunk.

Edward Furlong: Where oh where did you go? Although the guy who replaced you in T3 was pretty hot.... After marrying his 27 year-old on set tutor Eddie just disappeared. Or was it Pecker that did him in?

Anyway, the point is Brad has outlasted them all and those dimples that perma-tan just jump right out at me every time I see that add for Troy. Brad Armpit I heart you.

Posted by on May 7, 2004 5:03 PM

Oh man, he is deesgusteeeng! I cannot believe this lapse in taste. Are you just trying to fend off the lesbo rumors that forever swirl around SLC alumnae by being like "I like guys, I swear, look, I think Brad Pitt is hot"? Also, what about Jude Law, Ewan McGregor, that guy who was in Hackers with Angie JoliE, and other such? Or do British heartthrobs not count . . . I think they should count double. BP is cheesier than a wheel of brie sandwiched beteewn two slices of pizza. Only gay men like him. Boooooooooooo.

Posted by: emily on May 7, 2004 6:42 PM

Emily, what's up with your reading comprehension tonight? This entry is about heartthrobs of the early nineties. A "where are they now?" based upon a circa 1992 back issue of YM. How would it be entertaining to write about Jude Lawís current state of hotness? Thatís why people have up-to-date issues of YM. And Emily, aren't you a little old to be writing down lists of cute celebrities?

Posted by: The Lady on May 7, 2004 11:47 PM

I think it is this months US that talks about all the Brad Jen stuff being big rumors. I dont think Eddie Furlong ever married that tutor. Oh and i saw that movie Eternal Sunset(the ten year lator sequel to Eternal sunrise) and it is ridiculous. Ethan Hawke looks like a skeleton. But i sort of feel like Brad is still around just because he is the most cocky. I bet there is plenty of dirt pointing the asshole finger in his direction. But all these celebs are so boring these days. I just dont care.

Posted by: Lea on May 8, 2004 12:45 AM

Okay, well, Jude excepted the other people I mentioned ARE early 90s heartthrobs and I am going to place the blame squarely on the comprehensibility of your writing and not the huge fattie I was clearly smoking on May 7 at 6:42 pm. But my original point -- which got kind of lost in the shuffle -- is that BRAD PITT IS GROSS.

Posted by: emily on May 11, 2004 12:05 PM
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