Bradiffer No More

Late Breaking News:
I’m told this came from a “reliable source”. Apparently Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are on the verge of a DIVORCE!

Theories:
-It’s been said that Brad is currently sleeping with Angelina JoliE (good for her, I thought she only did freaky old men).

-Don’t be fooled by those charming dimples, Brad has been quoted as saying that he thinks Jen would give him a day pass for Britney Spears.

-How the Media Tore Them Apart. Remember the Bennifer excuse? I can see it now: All that speculation about Jen’s infertility was simply too much strain on their marriage. They considered adopting, but Brad insisted that if the baby’s face didn’t reflect his own there wasn’t much point in having one. He invested in one of those super magnified shaving mirrors, packed up his things and left.

-It was a career marriage and now that friends is over Brad has started courting Misha Barton from the O.C.

-They discovered that they are actually twins separated at birth; they didn’t discover their own incestuous secret until it was too late: the baby was born with three arms and a harelip!

-The twin theory is somewhat discounted by news that Jennifer has had a nose job. Perhaps Brad found out what her former nose looked like and now refuses to mate with her.

Perhaps I’m being a bit too harsh on Jen, but recently I’ve been thinking about Brad Pitt. Although I was critical when he fist came on the scene, calling him things like Brad Armpit (I was ten, ok?) I’ve come to realize that he truly does qualify as a Super Hunk, in fact when you consider his contemporaries it’s clear that Brad is The Super Hunk, he has outlasted them all.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Tom Cruise: old/a cult member

Christian Slater: on drugs?

Remember Interview with a Vampire, how it was supposed to be all about these hot guys and thirteen year-old Kirsten Dunst. I was fourteen at the time and I didn’t see the film, but I tell you, that Nobody--Kirsten Dunst--was already living out every one of our junior high fantasies. It turned out that unlike Brad, Tom and Christian were already over the hill at that point.

Leonardo Dicaprio: fat/haggard

Chris O’Donnell: Was he ever actually popular? I think he probably had a cousin who worked for YM or something.

Ethan Hawk: Proved to be too much of a dick after getting Uma Preggers and not even offering to marry her. The nerve!

Luke Perry: That attempt at a film career was a sad thing to witness. As soon as his hair went flat so did everything else.

Jason Priestley: Tru Calling? Please, at this point he’s nothing but an aged gay.

Johnny Depp: Still insanely hot, but he has proved to be more of an artisté than a hunk.

Edward Furlong: Where oh where did you go? Although the guy who replaced you in T3 was pretty hot.... After marrying his 27 year-old on set tutor Eddie just disappeared. Or was it Pecker that did him in?

Anyway, the point is Brad has outlasted them all and those dimples that perma-tan just jump right out at me every time I see that add for Troy. Brad Armpit I heart you.